Have you got your blue passport? Your imperial measurements and a sabre to rattle at Johnny Foreigner?

Right then, it's off to war with Spain we go. Party like it's 1588, Pedro!

Except, no. It's 2017 and the way of the world today is not to invade before breakfast, massacre by lunch and marry one of their princesses by tea-time.

The way of the world today is lawyers. Not least because the law's been around for a long time and most lawyers can't agree what most of it means.

Whatever you think about Brexit, it's going to boil down not to which squeaky-brained Tory threatens war over the right to smack our children, bigod, but whether the laws pertaining to it can be unpicked and then competently knitted together again.

And the biggest dropped stitch in the entire Brexit onesie of jingoistic self-satisfaction is the Rock of Gibraltar.

Although the smug hair-stroking glee of David Davis is a close second (
Image:
AFP)

You see, Gibraltar doesn't have to Brexit if it doesn't want to.

And it REALLY doesn't want to.

The Rock is home to the fifth biggest banking presence in the world. Its 30,000 residents live on 2.5 square miles of limestone outcrop with a GDP of £1.5billion which makes it, per capita, one of the richest places on the planet.

Its main business is financial, with thousands of companies incorporated there because of its offshore tax status. This relies on the passporting of financial services, which it gets from the EU.

Gibraltar is one of only two tax havens within the single market. Take it out of the EU and it could still be a tax haven, but Luxembourg might steal most of the business.

The border with Spain was softened significantly in 1985 and its citizens fill 10,000 jobs on the Rock, something which came in very handy after the 2008 financial crisis when local Spanish unemployment was as high as 35%.

In the past few years Spanish politicians have become more aggressive, creating border delays and arguing over an artificial reef. But it's an attempt to divert attention from their own troubles. No-one's going to war, and only Michael Howard is fooled.

When the referendum was held last year the results affected all our British Overseas Territories, from the Falkland Islands to Pitcairn, whose residents are also EU citizens. Of them only Gibraltar was able to take part, and voted by an overwhelming 95.9% to Remain.

And Gibraltar didn't HAVE to hold the vote at all, because it has self-determination. When the British parliament passed the referendum bill Gibraltar had to pass one of its own - which means every single bit of Brexit law will, at best, have to be written twice.

Gibraltar is in the EU because it joined when Britain did. Yet it is different - it has a bespoke membership deal.

It ignores the Common Fisheries Policy and has no use for the Common Agricultural Policy having, as it does, no farmers. It thumbs its nose at the customs union and laughs in the face of VAT.

Yet 60% of Gibraltarian laws are thought to be from the EU,and when Spain has attempted to reclaim it or cause border problems it has always been the EU which resolved the situation.

The Rock also picks and chooses which bits of British law to keep. A 1962 act states that British law applies unless its overridden by one of their own, and as a result Gibraltar has no capital gains or savings tax, but does give £11,500 of tax relief to first-time buyers. Its schools follow the National Curriculum and the Gibraltar pound is interchangeable with the British one.

But it is the law on corporation tax which provides the Rock's lifeblood, and the biggest Brexit headache.

In 2002 Gibraltar wanted to cut corporation tax from 35% to zero for offshore firms. Spain complained it was unfair and in 2011 the European Court of Justice ruled that Gibraltar and Britain were the same country and should have the same taxes.

While they were arguing about that, Gibraltar set corporation tax at 10% on the basis that it is, in fact, not the same.

Then in 2014 Britain decided to charge 15% on all remote gambling profits. Gibraltar, home to many online betting firms, charges just 1%. Gibraltar took Britain back to court which decided in January that we are one country.

So on the one hand Britain insists Gibraltar has self-determination, and on the other wants its cash. Meanwhile Gibraltar thrives only because it can set its own taxes and is prepared to sue its parent for the right to do so. And Spain insists it owns Gibraltar but tells a court of law that Britain does.

Oh, and the EU expects us to behave the same but treats us all differently.

Got that? Good.

The territory's first minister Fabian Picardo has said, variously, that Gibraltar will always be British, that it needs a second referendum on the final deal, and that he wants the Rock to be half-in, half-out of the EU as it always has been.

He said: "We'll be looking for a relationship with the EU that may differ from the UK's, perhaps an associate-style status. There are models: Andorra, Greenland, Liechtenstein."

And whatever EU-written laws the UK parliament repeals, the Gibraltarians can keep if they wish. Any new ones we impose it can ignore. And if the UK loses access to the single market and financial passporting, why would Gibraltar want to do the same?

When the UK Brexits the Rock could either Leave, Remain, or do the hokey cokey. The lawyers are going to spend a decade unravelling the constitutional knitting, with the very real possibility that at the end of it all we'll be left with is a cockeyed macramé jumper with three arms and no neck.

Brexit isn't simple. The trouble is, it's being led by politicians who are.